In early April, my wife and I received confirmation: we’re going to become parents in November! I’m thrilled, nervous, excited, scared…all of those seemingly oppositional but actually related emotions. I’ve begun to prepare for fatherhood the same way I prepare for most everything: by funding Jeff Bezos’ space program, a.k.a buying too many books on Amazon. I know that reading about parenting won’t make me a good parent but I believe that thoughtful parenting is better than thoughtless parenting, so I’m trying to be thoughtful by reading!

The second book I’ve read in preparation is Mara van der Lugt’s Begetting: What Does It Mean to Create a Child?—the first book was read a while back when I completed Jennifer Banks’ Natality: Toward a Philosophy of Birth, which I may discuss at a later date. Begetting is an uncomfortable book to read, at times. Van der Lugt discusses the arguments of anti-natalist philosophers, questioning whether bringing a child into the world is an act (or potential act) of harm, especially in light of the uncertainty that accompanies every birth. Every child who comes into this world risks a life of pain and suffering. Our world is full of potential harms. If we don’t have children, that “non-existent being” (if such language makes any sense) isn’t harmed by not existing but existence brings with it the potential of great harm. Related, Van der Lugt asks whether it’s ethical to beget when the child being born can’t consent to existing. In the background, haunting the entire discussion, is climate change. Van Der Lugt challenges potential parents to consider what it means to bring children into a world that could be devastated ecologically but also to consider potentially affluent parents whose children could contribute to our unsustainable consumer practices in a way that could contribute to this potential, impending disaster.
In Part III of the book (“Narratives”), Van der Lugt asks us to critically evaluate our culture’s narratives around reproduction such as doing it because of a personal desire, or the feeling that our “biological clock” is ticking, or that we can’t mature morally without becoming parents, etc. Her main target, at least as I read the book, is the “Entitlement Narrative” where becoming a parent is framed in “wanting and getting and having” language as states in this quote from p. 145:
Begetting: it should be seen as an act of creation, a cosmic intervention, something great, and wondrous—and terrible. Something that should fill us with awe and trepidation, with infinite caution and an awareness of the immeasurable fragility of life, It is not a language of wanting and getting and having that is needed here—but a language of carrying the finest glass of iron firsts, of fragility as we’ll as responsibility. Not to think that our children owe anything to use, but that we must be prepared, at any point, to be held accountable for their creation.
Van der Lugt works through the reasons given for having children, acknowledging their strengths and exposing their weaknesses; reasons ranging from the need to pass along our genes to the love we have for our partner and/or our potential children. Then she revisits these reasons, helping the reader ask better questions and provide better answers. One of the things I appreciate most about the book is she isn’t pro-natalist or anti-natalist. She’s a philosophical tour guide. For potential parents who want to think deeply about the decision to have children, this is an honest, unflinching book.
When our child is born, I’ll be 42 years old. I say this to point out that even though I didn’t read this book until after my wife became pregnant, I felt more like a concrete exploration of things I’ve considered for many years. We waited to become parents. I’ve had anti-natalist impulses at points; I continue to worry about climate change. The choice to become parents was done “in fear and trembling”. But this book, in spite of the fact that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone read it and then decided not to become parents, made me more secure in my choice, primarily because of some of the things Van der Lugt writes in Chapter 28, “Givenness”. Let me share three key quote that resonated with me and my own philosophy of begetting (from pp. 209 and 2011):
The language is all wrong. We need to get rid—in thought and words—of this idea of entitlement. We need to find a different way to talk about begetting. Something that removes us from the vocabulary of wanting, having, getting, being entitled to, and moves us closer to a concept of fragility and accountability: of bring entrusted with, being responsible for.
What conditions are required in order to bring a new being into the world? Is creation always justified? What are our own responsibilities here, and are we fulfilling them? In deciding to beget a child, surely our first concern should be the good of that future child—before society’s interests, before our partner’s interests, before even our own.
But thinking about begetting in this way need not lead to the decision not to beget at all: it may instead lead to a different conception of parenthood, one that is grounded not in entitlement, but in a sense of utmost responsibility—of being entrusted with something both precious and precarious.
This is the conclusion I reached about a year ago: if I have a child, I owe them everything. They didn’t choose to exist. My wife and I made the choice for them. I’m responsible to do everything possible to help them be healthy, happy, successful, fulfilled, etc. This doesn’t mean raising a spoiled, undisciplined child. Not at all. But it does mean giving my all and recognizing the great weight of responsibility that I’ve accepted. If someone is considering begetting but they don’t feel this great weight, then this book is definitely a required read because begetting is serious.






