In Siân Miles’ Simone Weil: An Anthology, she includes an excerpt from Weil’s essay “Forms of the Implicit Love of God,” wherein Weil discussed friendship. This caught my attention as I scanned the table of contents after buying the book because friendship is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. This is likely because (1) I’m a middle aged man, and most middle aged men struggle with making new friendships; (2) I’m adding a lesson on friendship to my “Philosophy for Human Flourishing” class. For reasons unclear, I’m drawn to Weil’s philosophizing. (Maybe because it’s so theological, and I can’t escape theological thinking, even when I try? Though I know I’m not alone, as two of my favorite podcasts, Philosophy Talk [“Simone Weil”] and Past-Present-Future [“The Lives of the Philosophers: Simone Weil”], have done episodes on Weil recently!) As strange and even off-putting as her writings can be, I’m drawn to them, and I’m drawn to her understanding of friendship.
On to what Weil says: Weil defines friendship this way: “a personal and human love which is pure and which enshrines an intimation and a reflection of divine love” (p. 263). That “imitation and reflection of divine love” is rooted in two opposites that friendship somehow holds together: (1) the desire to maintain freedom with the relationship; (2) the desire for “bonds of affection which have the iron hardness of necessity” (p. 265). We understand the second one well. As children, we can’t imagine our parents seeing their relationship to us as optional; as parents, we can’t imagine seeing our relationship with our children as optional. (This may change as the child becomes an adult.) We may understand the first when dating someone, especially if it’s casual. No vows have been made. No contacts have been signed. There’s a freedom to leave whenever one party is dissatisfied.
For Weil, friendship combines both of these relational states. For this reason, she says it’s “a supernatural harmony, a union of opposites.” (p. 264) Her understanding of friendship is something like “the Chalcedonian Definition” where in Jesus Christ there is full divinity and full humanity, two (opposite?) natures, undivided. She says, “There is a harmony because there is a supernatural union between two opposites, that is to say, necessity and liberty, the two opposites God combined when he created the world and men. There is equality because each wishes to preserve the free consent both in himself and in the other.” (p. 266) As Christ is human and divine, so friendship is the will to be free of and to be necessary to the other person. Friendship is fully free, fully dependent. Again, a “union between two opposites”.
For Weil, “There is not friendship where distance is not kept and respected.” (p. 268) As I heard Rebecca Rozelle-Stone explain in the aforementioned “Philosophy Talk” episode, Weil couldn’t stand the idea of a relationship where they person was totally devoted to her in an almost idolatrous way. For Weil, to love her was to love who she is truly, not some idealized version of her. Rozelle-Stone said, representing Weil, “…we don’t want someone who’s completely enamored with or attached to us. She thought that’s true, because we don’t want that kind of constraint on another person. It shouldn’t be a kind of slavish adoration. You know, people should be able to retain their independence as persons, as unique beings.” If someone can’t see me and my frailties, then is there a relationship there, or am I taking advantage of them, capturing them? As Weil writes, “The two friends have fully consented to be two and not one…” (p. 267) because genuine friendship exists within the similarities and, maybe more importantly, the differences. “A friendship is tarnished as soon as necessity triumphs,” (p. 267) because then it’s no longer friendship, and yet “A certain reciprocity is essential in friendship.” (p. 266)
This helps us reflect on the legitimacy of what we call our friendships. Do we honor their autonomy while simultaneously recognizing a freely willed reciprocity? If so, for Weil, we have something approaching a friendship: “…pure friendship is rare.” (p. 268) Once a hierarchy is created, and someone’s need for someone else is unreciprocated, then this isn’t a friendship. “There is no friendship where there is inequality.” (p. 266)

